Five-year-old Johnny throws a fit every time he has to leave his cousin, Lilly. Since the age of two he has cried, screamed, and generally misbehaved when his mother said it was time to go home. Lilly is six months older than he is and she never gets upset when it is time to leave. In fact, when she sees Johnny’s storm clouds coming, she gets real solemn and explains how much she “hates” it when he cries.
Johnny’s mother has tried everything, from redirecting, “You’ll get to play with your train when you get home,” to time out (that’s a difficult one when you want to go, and the child wants to stay) so you do “time out” in the car seat, but that isn’t so smart either, because you don’t want your child to think they are being punished when ever you go somewhere. She often reminds him to “use his words,” without much success, so she counts to three, followed by the “drag” to the car. When he gets too wild, she swats him on his bottom.
This year, the two cousins became five; Lilly’s mother thought it would be a wonderful idea for them to homeschool together. But Johnny’s mother realized that Lilly could do academics much better than Johnny, and the idea of the two comparing their school work or competing on anything academic could potentially damage Johnny’s self-worth. Yes, boys don’t develop as soon as girls but yet some insist on sending them to school at the same age. As to be expected, by Christmas, Lilly is almost finished with the entire kindergarten curriculum, and Johnny is just learning to write his letters. Neither child has a clue how their wise parents have orchestrated, enriched, and protected their lives.
Thanks to the latest research on the human brain, and psychology, we don’t need to be alarmed by Johnny’s behavior. We now know that little boys are more emotional than little girls, but they don’t have the vocabulary to express their emotions. So, little boys rage, they rage for everything. If they are sad they rage, if they want something they rage, if they are tired they rage, if they are hungry they rage, you get the picture. We may be tempted to try and calm the boy down by acting like he is acting, or saying, “How would you feel if I acted that way.” The reason these strategies don’t work for boys is because they don’t develop mirror neurons as soon as girls do. Mirror neurons are those neurons that help us understand how others feel; this is where empathy is understood. That’s why guilt trips aren’t the best way of reasoning with a boy. For example, five-year-old Jeremy doesn’t have a clue as to how he would feel if his mother cried and screamed when it was time to go home.
Here are a few strategies I use when working with boys:
1. Don’t back them into a wall physically or emotionally. Let them look at a book or magazine while you are talking to them. This goes against the old way of doing things where we’d say “look at me when I’m talking to you.”
2. Give them fidget (learning) toys, like thinking putty, stress-release objects, or a small stuffed animal for tapping pencils on while they are thinking.
3. Find things they are interested in, then design your learning experiences around their interests. Boys enjoy graphic novels and other appropriately illustrated reading materials, furthermore; they are a great bridge to reading.
4. Use a louder volume when talking to boys, they hear differently than girls. But don’t yell.
5. Increase activity by allowing boys to walk around while they are reading. You should plan breaks often in your school day, and go outdoors for more learning.
6. And always be consistent.
The men in our lives are so important, and learning to understand their world will only make our own better. The other day I read the book, Teaching the Male Brain: How Boys Think, Feel, and Learn, by Abigail Norfleet James, I would recommend it for every parent and teacher. It just may save your son’s life.
