We Won’t Let the She-Bears Get Them

There isn’t one of us who wants harm to come to our children; we certainly don’t want the “she bears to get them.” What do we do when we see them heading on a self-destructive path? Kalyn’s Secret is a story about such an experience. As a pastor’s kid, Kalyn was active in church, a straight-A student, a seemingly perfect daughter. So how, at the age of 14, did she become involved with a man in her father’s church who was three times her age?

Kalyn says this unhealthy relationship started very innocently. His family and her family were good friends. The man would often compliment her on how nice she looked or how beautiful she sang. Lisa, the mother, didn’t realize that one in four girls is the victim of this type of crime and one in six boys. As a homeschooling mom she thought her children were protected. “Maybe I gave Kalyn too much credit to be able to handle things in a mature fashion.” She commented.

In the book Kalyn’s Secret, Lisa has written an Allegory called the Journey through Adolescence. In this allegory the parent and teen are traveling on a river, the parent has studied certain islands that they need to avoid like Depression, Drugs, Sexual Abuse, Rebellion, Violence, and Teen Pregnancy. Unfortunately, the parent doesn’t realize that the island of Love Addiction doesn’t wait for you to land on it, but can sneak on your boat while in the middle of the river.

Love Addiction consists of three main components: Romance, Relationship and Sexual Addiction. Love addiction is often perceived to be “less serious” than other addictions such as eating disorders or self-harm/mutilation, perhaps because it sounds “softer.”  In reality it is extremely painful and can be very dangerous to both the addict and the object of their affection.  Many suicides, murders, stalking, rapes and other crimes of passion have their roots in this addiction.  Our culture, as portrayed in the media, has traditionally glorified love addiction with the notion that we fall in love and live “happily ever after.” Teens and young adults are particularly vulnerable to this type of addiction because they don’t fully understand the groundwork that true relationships require.

Some of the causes for Love Addiction are: Lack of nurturing and attention when young, feeling isolated, detached from parents and family, hidden pain over emotional and/or sexual abuse, inner rage over lack of nurturing, and early abandonment. Encourage your teens to know about the background of their girl or boy friend and if any of these events have been part of their life, strongly caution them both of the danger of Love Addiction.  

Have them do a self-inventory by checking the following:

• Outer facade of “having it all together” to hide internal breakdown

• Mistake intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships)
• Highly manipulative and controlling of others
• Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner
• Feelings that a relationship makes one whole, or more of a man or woman
• Escalating tolerance for high-risk behaviors
• Intense need to control self, others, circumstances
• Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems 
• Using others, sex and relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain
• Continual questioning of values and lifestyle
• Confusion of sexual attraction with love (“Love” at first sight)
• Tendency to trade sexual activity for “love” or attachment  
• Existence of a secret “double life”
• Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
• Tendency to leave one relationship for another
• Inability to be without a relationship
• Attempts to replace lost relationships with a new one immediately  

Many of these symptoms are also elements of co-dependency and intimacy dysfunctions resulting from childhood abandonment, emotional and/or sexual abuse.  For this reason treatment and therapy for Love Addiction often includes trauma recovery work. 

It has been eight long years toward recovery for Kalyn. She went down the slippery slope of rebellion, cutting, not eating, and suicide. All of these were symptoms of a bigger problem, and as parents we must be determined not to “let the she bears get them!”