What a fun show this was. Our guest, Sydney, was a beautiful, bubbly, blonde teenager, who embraces life to the fullest. Her engaging smile and infectious laugh had us, here in the studio, smiling through the entire interview. Sydney, now a high school senior, has never been kissed, nor has she ever had a boyfriend. Does this bother her? I would say probably not. The fact that she has brought it up makes one realize that it is definitely something she thinks about. But Sydney doesn’t feel it is a bad thing – just different from the norm.

In today’s society, being different from the norm is a breath of fresh air. Feeling like you must have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) to fit in or be normal is the downfall of many teenagers. Being comfortable in one’s own skin is something that we, as parents, try to instill in our children, yet because of peer pressure and all types of media, our children think that a boy/girlfriend is necessary.

So at what age do you think it is appropriate for your child to start dating? At what age do you think it is appropriate to kiss your boy/girlfriend? My parents didn’t let me start dating until I was 16 years old. Is 16 the magical number that you can go from not being romantically involved with someone to being in a committed relationship?

Is dating important? Do you think it allows a young person to “test the waters” before diving in? Do you think dating in high school is age-appropriate, or would college be a better setting?

In our discussion we asked Sydney to evaluate these seven questions. Why don’t you give us your opinions on each of these. True or False:    

1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment.
2. Dating tends to skip the “friendship” stage of a relationship.
3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.
4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships
5. Dating, in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future.
6. Dating can cause discontent with God’s gift of singleness.
7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character.

In Sydney’s case, she says she really didn’t start out planning to not date until after she was 18 years old. It just happened. As the years went by, she felt more comfortable having guy friends but not having to worry about the “mushy” part of it all! And then her aunt stepped in and offered her a deal – a “No Kissing or PDA” contract! If Sydney didn’t kiss a boy until she was 18 years old, her aunt would pay her $200. Sydney did, in fact, just turn 18 years old. And I was a witness to her aunt giving her $200. If anyone is interested in a copy of this contract, feel free to email Dr. Gamblin (she happens to be Sydney’s aunt) at rose@myhomeschoolcompanion.com. I’m sure she would be happy to share!

Remember we always love to hear your opinions.

I wrote this book with the strong belief that most addictive and high-risk behaviors can be avoided if we understand and take action to support and nurture the spirituality of the young child.

Research has proven that all addictions stem back to a low sense of self worth. This book is a call to action to support and nurture the child’s spirituality, because we know it is the essence of a child’s state of “well” being–a positive authentic sense of self-worth.

As I observed these infants and toddlers and then wrote the book, I realized so many things about my own up-bringing. This book can help you re-parent yourself, to fall in love with the wonderful creature you are! http://www2.xlibris.com/bookstore/bookdisplay.aspx?bookid=84429

What an interesting title for a show. Gentle Measures. What does that mean? Gentle Measures for what? Cooking? Cleaning? Clothes buying? How about discipline? In my experience, the topic of discipline is a hot button for many people – the biggest point of contention being whether or not to spank. So often you hear, “I was spanked and I turned out fine.” And, in fact, I was spanked and I do think I turned out just fine! But does that make it ok?

Now-a-days, spanking is considered “taboo” by so many. It’s scary to give your child a swat in public for fear of being turned in to social services by someone watching from afar. Do you remember when teachers spanked students? Can you imagine a teacher spanking your child in this day and age? Yet, when you look around us, it seems that so many of our young people today are disrespectful, irreverent and downright rude. Why is that? Do you think it is because they aren’t spanked? Or could it just be lack of discipline? Discipline does not necessarily = spanking!

Personally, I am slightly conflicted when it comes to corporal punishment. Yes, my children have been spanked – but very rarely. Even my boisterous, happy-go-lucky-get-in-all-kinds-of-trouble seven-year-old has had very few spankings. Yet, when I was pregnant with my children, I absolutely intended on spanking, when necessary. After all, I was spanked as a child and felt like I deserved it every single time. I didn’t feel unfairly treated, embarrassed, or put down. And I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that my mother loved me with all her heart. But as my first child grew up, I quickly realized that with her temperament, spanking was not the answer and would do more harm than good. I had to change my plan, for sure.

Can you spank and still let a child know they are loved and valued? Basically the question arises – can you hit a child out of love? That sounds like such an oxymoron, to me. Yet I still stand on the middle ground, not sure exactly what my stance would be on spanking. I think there might be merit to spanking in certain situations. Yet, I know a set of parents who absolutely refuse to spank or do any corporal punishment, and while it seems to be more work for them at this point in time, they have a well-adjusted, very happy and secure child. I also know a set of parents who believe in spanking to teach their child right from wrong and they, too, seem to have happy, well-adjusted children. The one thing in common with both of these families is that they absolutely love and adore their children, and their children know it.

So, is there are right and wrong? Let us know what you think!

Do you, as the reader, think that boys are “hard-wired” for guns and weapons? Today we asked our guest, Randy Fishell, editor of Guide and Real magazines, his thoughts about boys and guns. Having raised three boys of his own, Randy has obviously been provided a lot of empirical research on the subject. He said that his line in the sand is when guns become part of recreational violence.

Some have said that looking through the sites and aiming the gun at “people” in video games helps with the hand-eye coordination. According to Randy, the only thing that playing violent video games with guns helps you do is to play video games better.

Does allowing boys to play with toy guns teach them violence? Does it condone violence? One caller said that she allowed her teenage son to have a BB gun, if he paid for it with his own money. That is exactly what he did. After about six months, the newness wore off and she doesn’t even remember what happened to the gun. Another listener emailed us during the show and said that his parents tried mightily to keep his interest in warfare and weapons in check but it was like trying to stop the mighty sea. Today, that very caller, in his 50s, says he won’t even kill a stink bug.

I think that whether or not we let our children play with toy guns does not decide whether or not they will be violent in the future. Raising our children with loving discipline, with or without guns, will ultimately shape their lives into the adults they will become.

As one listener commented, after the show: I believe that at the deepest core of the male half of the human species, since the introduction of sin, was divinely ingrained the survival drive to care for and protect the family unit and dependents “owned” by the “alpha male”.  This is an observable common denominator throughout all of nature.  The advantages that man has over all other animals is that he has both sentience (ability to reason from cause to effect) combined with the physical ability to create and use tools.  Some of those tools are weapons with which he defends the family unit and the territory claimed by the family unit from which to gather food. 

I believe that misguided modern society has done much to try to blur, soften, and even eliminate this drive in men which, I believe, has led to disastrous unintended consequences in the behavior of men.  But that another story to tell….

Today our guest was Dr. Sandra Doran. Dr. Doran has worked with parents and teachers for more than 25 years and enjoys conducting workshops through her business, www.TheTeacherTrack.com. She has taught on every level from pre-school through graduate school and holds a doctorate of education from Boston University. On both a personal and professional level she has had first-hand experience dealing with such issues as attention-deficit disorder, dyslexia, specific learning disabilities, emotional issues, and giftedness.

Some of the basic symptoms a person with ADD/ADHD might have would be:

• Consistantly inconsistent
• Difficulty paying attention to detail and tendency to make careless mistakes in school or other activities; producing work that is often messy and careless
• Easily distracted by irrelevant stimuli and frequently interrupting ongoing tasks to attend to trivial noises or events that are usually ignored by others
• Inability to sustain attention on tasks or activities
• Difficulty finishing schoolwork or paperwork or performing tasks that require concentration
• Frequent shifts from one uncompleted activity to another
• Procrastination
• Disorganized work habits
• Forgetfulness in daily activities (for example, missing appointments, forgetting to bring lunch)
• Failure to complete tasks such as homework or chores
• Frequent shifts in conversation, not listening to others, not keeping one’s mind on conversations, and not following details or rules of activities in social situations

Determine when these signs are exhibited during the course of the day, evening, or night. The ADHD child has these issues not only at school or at home, but also elsewhere such as extra-curricular activities or during neighborhood playtime. Forming a time frame at what age these symptoms began to show up alerts the parent to the possibilities that their child may indeed have ADHD. An ADHD child starts exhibiting many of these symptoms before the age of seven.

Dr. Doran says using the acronym AIH can be very helpful in diagnosing a child with ADHD.

• Attentional bias – We are not talking about the normal distractibility of a child, but instead, ADHD sufferers have an inability to focus on tasks, instructions, or activities.
• Impulsiveness – All children are impulsive to some degree or another, but when we are looking at an ADHD child, they are several degrees above their peers in impulvsive behavior. Their impulsiveness is constantly getting them into trouble and they do not have the ability to keep it in check.
• Hyperactivity – Hyperactive symptoms are different than inattention in that the child is always moving. They fidget and have a hard time sitting still.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health two to three percent of children have ADHD. This means that in a typical classroom at least one child is ADHD. The NIMH estimates that about 2 million children in the United States have ADHD.

A neurologist by the name of Dr. Fred Baughman estimated that 500,000 children were diagnosed with ADHD in 1985 and he estimates that there are now 5 to 7 million children with this diagnosis. Dr. Baughman’s main point seems to be that ADHD is misdiagnosed and overly medicated.

Russell Barkley, PhD, has done extensive research on ADHD and ADD. Here is the summary of some of his findings:

• Boys are most likely to be diagnosed ADHD.
• 75% of boys with ADD are also hyperactive while,
• 60% of girls with ADD are also hyperactive.
• 40% of children with ADHD have a parent with ADHD
• 50% of children with ADHD also have trouble sleeping
• Children with ADHD develop 30% slower than non ADHD children
• 65% of children with ADHD have discipline problems
• 25% of children with ADHD have a serious learning disability
• One half of ADHD children have poor listening comprehension
• Parents of a child with ADHD are three times as likely to divorce
• Teens with ADHD have four times as many car accidents and have seven times as many second accidents

 On the other hand, there are also positive traits associated with people who have ADHD:

Creativity – Children who have ADD/ADHD can be very creative and imaginative. The child who daydreams and has ten different thoughts at once can become a master problem-solver or an wonderful artist. They may be easily distracted but sometimes they notice what others don’t see.

Flexibility – Since they don’t consider a lot of options at once they are usually more open to different ideas.

High Energy – When children with ADD/ADHD are motivated, they strive to succeed and work and play hard.

Curious – Children with ADD/ADHD are not usually boring! They are interested in a lot of different things and their curiosity makes life very interesting.

Keep in mind, too, that many children with ADD/ADHD are intellectually or artistically gifted. We totally believe that every child has been given unique gifts to bless others. And affirming those gifts can be a protective factor against low self-worth. Make a point to focus on what is right about your child.

There isn’t one of us who wants harm to come to our children; we certainly don’t want the “she bears to get them.” What do we do when we see them heading on a self-destructive path? Kalyn’s Secret is a story about such an experience. As a pastor’s kid, Kalyn was active in church, a straight-A student, a seemingly perfect daughter. So how, at the age of 14, did she become involved with a man in her father’s church who was three times her age?

Kalyn says this unhealthy relationship started very innocently. His family and her family were good friends. The man would often compliment her on how nice she looked or how beautiful she sang. Lisa, the mother, didn’t realize that one in four girls is the victim of this type of crime and one in six boys. As a homeschooling mom she thought her children were protected. “Maybe I gave Kalyn too much credit to be able to handle things in a mature fashion.” She commented.

In the book Kalyn’s Secret, Lisa has written an Allegory called the Journey through Adolescence. In this allegory the parent and teen are traveling on a river, the parent has studied certain islands that they need to avoid like Depression, Drugs, Sexual Abuse, Rebellion, Violence, and Teen Pregnancy. Unfortunately, the parent doesn’t realize that the island of Love Addiction doesn’t wait for you to land on it, but can sneak on your boat while in the middle of the river.

Love Addiction consists of three main components: Romance, Relationship and Sexual Addiction. Love addiction is often perceived to be “less serious” than other addictions such as eating disorders or self-harm/mutilation, perhaps because it sounds “softer.”  In reality it is extremely painful and can be very dangerous to both the addict and the object of their affection.  Many suicides, murders, stalking, rapes and other crimes of passion have their roots in this addiction.  Our culture, as portrayed in the media, has traditionally glorified love addiction with the notion that we fall in love and live “happily ever after.” Teens and young adults are particularly vulnerable to this type of addiction because they don’t fully understand the groundwork that true relationships require.

Some of the causes for Love Addiction are: Lack of nurturing and attention when young, feeling isolated, detached from parents and family, hidden pain over emotional and/or sexual abuse, inner rage over lack of nurturing, and early abandonment. Encourage your teens to know about the background of their girl or boy friend and if any of these events have been part of their life, strongly caution them both of the danger of Love Addiction.  

Have them do a self-inventory by checking the following:

• Outer facade of “having it all together” to hide internal breakdown

• Mistake intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships)
• Highly manipulative and controlling of others
• Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner
• Feelings that a relationship makes one whole, or more of a man or woman
• Escalating tolerance for high-risk behaviors
• Intense need to control self, others, circumstances
• Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems 
• Using others, sex and relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain
• Continual questioning of values and lifestyle
• Confusion of sexual attraction with love (“Love” at first sight)
• Tendency to trade sexual activity for “love” or attachment  
• Existence of a secret “double life”
• Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
• Tendency to leave one relationship for another
• Inability to be without a relationship
• Attempts to replace lost relationships with a new one immediately  

Many of these symptoms are also elements of co-dependency and intimacy dysfunctions resulting from childhood abandonment, emotional and/or sexual abuse.  For this reason treatment and therapy for Love Addiction often includes trauma recovery work. 

It has been eight long years toward recovery for Kalyn. She went down the slippery slope of rebellion, cutting, not eating, and suicide. All of these were symptoms of a bigger problem, and as parents we must be determined not to “let the she bears get them!”

Keeping Kids Safe From Abduction, Violence, and Exploitation

According to the U.S. Department of Justice more than 300,000 children in the U.S. are at risk every year for commercial sexual exploitation. Teri Williams from NBC reported that investigators and researchers estimate the average predator in the U.S. can make more than $200,000 a year off one young girl or boy. How are you protecting your children and how do you approach this topic with them. This information will help parents find that balance between protection and paranoia.

Diane Brown joined Dr. Rose Gamblin and Candy DeVore for this recent topic about educating kids on safety. Diane Brown, is the founder and director of Safety Kids, Inc. She has worked on the issue of personal safety for children since 1982. She is a certified International Crime Prevention Specialist through the International Society of Crime Prevention Practitioners. She has taught personal safety to hundreds of thousands of children and adults, has appeared on numerous television and radio programs, and also worked with Sesame Street Live and the Harlem Globetrotters to present child safety programs. She serves on the Advisory Board for the FBI Adopt-a-School Initiative and the Safe Schools and Communities Consulting Group.

Here are five of the most important questions we addressed:

1.  At what age, and how, do I teach my child proper and effective personal safety tips?

Teaching safety is like teaching manners, a parent needs to gradually increase the amount of safety information based on the maturation of the child and they need to consistently teach these safety principles. The two most important safety rules should be “check first” and “because I’m with you.” For example, when offered candy, a child would “check first,” and you respond, “Yes, because I’m with you.”

2. What are some good home-alone skills that my child should know?

·         Don’t tell others that you’re going to be home alone.

·         Don’t answer the door even if the person at the door sees you.

·         Know what to do in case of an emergency.

3. Is “stranger danger” the best strategy for teaching my child how to be safe from predators?

Most predators offend children that they know and with whom they have established some type of a relationship with. While it is important to teach children to avoid strangers, the danger is usually much closer. While interviewing a child predator, the predator said that they would go to church, pick a target, and then start developing a friendship with the children and the parents. Here again, the safety rule of “checking first” will help parents and children stay connected and make appropriate choices.

4.  How do I talk to my child about sexual abuse and how to prevent it?

Although discussing child abuse with your child may be difficult for you, it is very important. More than 3 million reports of child abuse are received each year, including half a million reports of child sexual abuse. Research has shown that children whose parents talk to them about preventing abuse are more effective at fending off assaults. Parents should have open discussions about how to take care of their private parts. Part of that discussion is teaching your children not to allow others to touch their private parts. Children should also feel that they can tell their parents about anything that makes them uncomfortable without any reproach or guilt.

5. How should we handle a bullying situation? When do parents intervene and when do we let kids work it out?

The definition of bullying as widely agreed on in research is (1) a specific type of aggression in which the behavior is intended to harm or hurt, (2) the behavior occurs repeatedly over time, and (3) there is an imbalance of power, with a more powerful person or group attacking a less powerful one. The aggressive behavior may be verbal (name calling or putdowns), physical (hitting, spitting, tripping), or psychological (rumors, shunning/exclusion). Parents shouldn’t intervene if it is just a squabble between two equally balanced children. But certainly intervene if you have concluded that bullying is taking place.

Studies show that bullying causes major problems for children of all ages such as depression, low self-esteem, and truancy. Without intervention, bullies also suffer as adults, they require more support from government agencies, have more court convictions and alcoholism, and use more mental health services. Even children who simply witness bullying incidents experience significant fear and anxiety. As serious and damaging as bullying is most victims do not report it. Even those who do are often discounted or ignored. Children who are bullied by their parents or older siblings often become bullies. Parents can use the definition of bullying to understand the extent to which their child may be in a bullying situation. Encourage your child to walk, talk, look the offender in the eye, and act confident. Work with your child on conflict management skills. And after exhausting all other possibilities, don’t hesitate to involve the local authorities if the circumstances should warrant it.